A few months ago, I made a push to increase my visibility as an RPG designer. I’ve been doing this for a long time. I just wanted to think that someone out there may actually have noticed my efforts. I get that it’s an ego thing. I think all creative types may have a bit of an ego.
Anyway, I made a push to raise my visibility, to bring people here to my blog where I like to talk about my hobbies and interests and RPG design ideas. I did all of that, and then I went silent. I blew up my world, and I am not sure how to recover from it. Anyway, I haven't posted in about two months. I'm going to try to explain why.
(I also sometimes share personal things here in my blog. This is one of those kinds of posts.)
When I was young – I’m talking really young – barely a toddler, I was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. This diagnosis can mean a lot of things. I was lucky. I had a few operations. I had physical therapy to diminish the effects of my disability. I spent some time wearing special shoes to help correct my gait. Eventually, I could walk and run and play just like any other child. I was very lucky. My upper body was apparently unimpaired, and my cognitive abilities don’t seem to have been affected.
But, I wasn’t like any other child. I could not run as fast or as well. My physical movement was notably different. I was the “crippled kid” among “normal kids” in the Midwestern United States in the 1970’s. I didn’t have the best home life, and I’ve written about that before, but my life growing up with other children – my social development, it was worse.
When I was young, I learned that people are cruel and judgmental.
As I got older and I matured, so did my peers. Things got better. Eventually, I became less of an outcast. I got friends. My view of the world changed. Maybe people are not as cruel and as judgmental as I had been taught as a child? The thing about children is that they are unfiltered. We learn to install filters as we grow and mature. But is it truth? Or is the unfiltered the real truth?
The above video shows Donald Trump mocking a man’s physical disability. It struck a particularly hurtful cord for me. Before you check out, I’m not going to debate politics here. I’m trying to explain the circumstances that brought me to where and what I am today, and that requires a bit of context. The thing is, in my mind, a vote for Donald Trump was a vote for the life that I thought I had outgrown.
But, maybe the filters that society teaches us to install just hide a truth that never goes away? The truth that I saw as a child, that people are predators who seek to destroy anything different from themselves. If that’s true than I survived my childhood for nothing.
People voted to accept Donald Trump. They liked the idea of a wall to keep those who are different out. Now, with the dismantling of DEI (diversity, equity, and inclusion) programs, I feel like our government is telling everyone that those filters, the ones that society has taught us to install as we grow up, are not needed, are not wanted.
I am not wanted.
The message is clear. An American President was elected not once, but twice on the platform that if you are different, you are not wanted.
For much of my adult life, I lived in Tulsa, OK. I built friendships that lasted over 30 years, and I have recently destroyed them. I have become toxic. My friends voted Republican. When faced with how this affects me, they either challenged me to justify my own feelings, or simply turned a blind eye.
I find myself back in grade school, in the worst time of my life, and just as it was then, I can see no hope of escape. But, this time I can look at things with a far more critical eye, and that’s worse. I realize that there is no escape for me, because the world likes being the way that it is.
This makes me angry and unreasonable.
I’ve pushed away, friends and family, and what’s worse is that I don’t think that I’m wrong. I have my wife. She loves me. I have my daughter. She loves me.
The others, those that I’ve pushed away – they are the villains in my story and they can’t even see it. They believe that I am the one who has the problem – that I need help.
When I was being bullied in school, my mom (who voted for Trump) went to the principal of the school and pleaded for something to be done. She was told that it was impossible for the school administration to change the behavior of every child in the school, but that they could provide me with counseling to help me to cope with being bullied.
You can’t change the behavior of every person in the world. Maybe I should seek counseling. I am the one who has the problem – I need help.
Recently, the last and oldest of my friends chose to step away from me. I am toxic to his other friendships. I am different after all. It’s best to go with the majority, to support the greater good. I am a danger to that, because I have refused to accept the shape that the world is determined to take.
Back in 2016, I surrendered. I silenced my outrage and hid inside myself trembling and afraid that if I did not, that I would lose everything. Today I have refused to surrender and I have lost everything. I don’t know what’s next. I don’t see a way forward for me.
So, if I haven’t been writing here about RPG’s lately, that’s the reason. I haven’t surrendered to my enemies, but I have given up hope.
Regards,
Jeff
You don't know me but I found your blog by more than just idle browsing. I noticed someone else gave the Marvel Super-Heroes Adventure Game (SAGA) products all 10s over on RPGG. Since MSHAG is my favorite RPG of all time, I said "this is a person with taste". I looked at your RPGG profile which led me to your blog.
ReplyDeleteI knew, after seeing you highlight some Bronze Age Marvel titles, that we were probably kindred spirits. Now, after reading this latest post, I know we are.
I'm sorry you've lost your life-long friends, but there are so many more of us out there, allies you never knew you had. Never give in to hate. It would be trite for me to say "never give up hope" because I've given that up too. But, like you, I'm standing by my convictions about common decency.
Thank you for this. Your encouragement doesn't seem "trite" at all. It is very much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteHey, Jeff. I don't have the same formative experience as you by any stretch, but I was (somehow) a native-born kid in redneck upstate NY who never really "went along" with the prevailing redneck bigotry that I was born into an surrounded with. Part of this I attribute to having learned to read from comic books.
ReplyDeleteMy biological father brought home unsold comics that were sent to the paper mill he worked at, a handful a time, and my Mom read them with me. So, not only was ahead of the other kids in reading (and only that) when I hit Kindergarten, but I had been exposed to well-written (for their time) stories involving non-white characters and so on that made me think differently about race from the very beginning than many of my peers.
Also, I wasn't fully aware of it at such a young age, but I had two uncles on my Mother's side who were living as "more of less" openly gay men in that area in the 1970s. Both of those uncles died of what was first still known as "GRID," and then AIDS, several years apart, both in the 1980s, and that even more strongly separated me from my "neighbors" philosophically.
All that to say that "nurture" likely played a role in making me feel like an outsider who didn't want to "belong" so much as I never understood HOW the people around me could be the way they were.
In more recent years, especially during this latest "doubling down" on the lesser side of human nature, I too have made some difficult, and final, decisions regarding lifelong friendships with people I used to, if not respect, at least hold out hope for.
I've learned the hard way that such hope and respect was not only for naught, but that my attempts to express my disappointment and confusion are met uniformly with smug derision. Those who were likely to be swayed onto this dark path are now boldly striding upon it, and there is not so much as a hint of nuance to their devotion, at least not in my experience.
I know this isn't very uplifting of me, but I hope it is at least conciliatory. There are many of us going through this right now, and I just hope there's more of us than I'm aware of, despite the pain that must be bringing all of us.
Thanks, Max. It helps a lot to hear this kind of affirmation. I've begun to cast myself in the role of the bad guy. I recognize the hypocrisy in preaching acceptance while simultaneously shutting people out of my life. Having any sympathetic voice telling me that they would (or have felt the necessity to) do the same is reassuring and appreciated. (Also, I think growing up reading comics in the '70's did the same for me as it did for you. So -- Yay, comics!)
ReplyDeleteSorry all this has happened. It sucks, and it's very hard to keep going, keep motivated, keep positive. But, at least for me, keeping on keeping on is all I can do. I have hope, despite all this hate and noise we're living through. It is not easy.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better and better.
Thank you for the kind words James. (PS - I love your art and Black Pudding zines.)
ReplyDelete